To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
