2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I did not marry a roomba.
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