my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize