You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
