Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
