My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
