wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You need Xanax blowdarts
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
