I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
