Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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