She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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