lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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