I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Need sex. Gaining weight.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
