She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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