Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
