A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
