Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
