1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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