I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
