Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
