If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
