I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
