I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
