Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Be still, my beating vagina.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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