you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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