For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I fill condoms, not promises.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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