Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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