i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
