I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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