i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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