i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
