Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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