I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize