all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
