some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
