Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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