I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I want a musical about memes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
