I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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