Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He shit in the fireplace
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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