believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
