Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
