god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
