I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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