goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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