She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize