Someone shit on the floor
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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