i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize