I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize