It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
