I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize