you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
