So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
