He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
