There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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