I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I need a beard to bite.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
