so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
