I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
