From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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